


What am I to You?

by RosaKei



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Armin and Mikasa - Freeform, Arumika Week, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Love?, Minor Mikasa Ackerman/Eren Yeager, Some angst, arumika
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-26
Updated: 2018-03-26
Packaged: 2019-04-08 10:36:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14103516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RosaKei/pseuds/RosaKei
Summary: Armin Arlert revaluates his friendship with Mikasa Ackerman. Knowing the raven’s loyalty towards Eren, and that her concern is directed towards him majority of the time— Armin starts questioning if they were even friends to begin with, or was he just a nuisance since the beginning?





	What am I to You?

 

 _‘Am I just a nuisance to her?’  
_  
  
  
__ It wasn’t too long when Armin started questioning himself that, and her. Given his ravenous curiosity, he always wanted to find out more. He always wanted to know the answers to his questions. During the first few months of having entered the corps—no. Even way before that, he’d have known that the raven’s eyes had always hovered over the reckless brunette. The way her orbs gazed ever so deeply into those ‘emeralds’, it was different as how she’d glance at the blonde’s ocean orbs. She’d have the look of admiration, the look of ‘need’ and most definitely the look of heavy concern towards the brunette. As for the blonde, the few glances and eye contact they’ve made… seem to lack all three of those components. Maybe he was overreacting, being too overdramatic. Then again, he had never once bothered to analyse in depth on the way she looked at him like how she looked at Eren. One of the reasons being, he was actually afraid of the truthful answer. He didn’t want to know if everything was just a façade with him and Mikasa— if there was anything in the first place. _ _  
  
  
  
__ If only he hadn’t overheard people’s whispers on the soldier worth a thousand, then he wouldn’t be so worried, so fearful now. _ _  
  
  
  
_‘__ Must be lucky, to have someone watch over you like that.’_  
  
  
  
_‘Yet Eren keeps pushing her away...’_  
  
  
  
_'What about that blonde?’_  
  
  
  
_‘He doesn’t seem to be close to her, I highly doubt they’re even friends. He seems to be some sort of third wheel haha! One less competition out of the way.’_  
  
  
  
_‘True, he keeps following that reckless idiot, poor Mikasa, she has more burden to worry about— he can’t even protect himself, at least that’s something the brunette is more capable of.’_

 

He never knew words could trigger these sort of worries from him. He didn’t wish to be a burden. Thinking back now, did Mikasa ever only assist in beating up those bullies because she was more concerned on Eren’s safety during their ruthless fight with them? Or was it because those were Eren’s orders for her? _Because she wanted him to look at her the same way she had?_  
  
  
  
Ah, thinking about that definitely ached his heart. He tried to think of other memories he had shared with the raven, to perhaps prove that his theory of her resentment towards him were all just a fake. Yet nothing came to his mind. Mikasa Ackerman, a soldier worth a thousand. A soldier who was devoid of emotion, at least to most people. A soldier hard to decipher. There were perhaps a few peculiar moments where he had seen her guard down, when Eren was involved. But even then, he didn’t need to analyse that to know the concern and devotion she had for him.  
  
  
Damn, Eren was really lucky. To have someone look at him that way. Yet that idiot constantly pushed her away. Though, the blonde was sure enough he’d stop pushing her at some point— when he’d stop being so dense on her emotions towards him, whether it be platonic or romantic. When he would finally return them either way, he was sure Mikasa would gladly accept them.  
  
  
  
He remembered one time, during the midst of battle, he was close to giving up his life. Mikasa had let her emotions get the best of her, and her gas had ran out, he then proceeded to offer his. He saw no need for him to survive, and figured a skilled soldier like Mikasa was worth much more. Yet, when he told her he wouldn’t mind staying and giving up his life, she refused. He recalled her snatching that blade so fast, so rough out of his hands before disposing it, telling him something along the lines of that she wouldn’t allow his death.  
  
  
  
_But why?_ Was it because she cared? Or because she assumed Eren would’ve never forgave her if she had let him die? Especially since during then it was when the blonde had let Eren die, unable to save him as that titan gobbled him down. Thinking about that again caused his stomach to churn, it was a revolting sight indeed.  
  
  
  
_How was she able to forgive him—to tell him to get up?_  
  
  
  
It made no sense, and it wasn’t as if he knew what she felt during then, all he saw was emptiness reflected in her obsidian orbs after having learnt Eren’s supposed death.  
  
  
  
Ah, he was almost sure if he was the one gone back then, she’d probably have cared less. Maybe she didn’t let him die since he was sort of the last bit of something that reminded her of Eren.  
  
  
  
He knew that she had no time nor space of her heart to spare for outsiders. At this point, maybe he was an outsider, not even an acquaintance in her eyes.  
  
  
  
It was definitely saddening to him, that there was a huge possibility that what they had was just… a fake. That he was possibly useless in her eyes, possibly a burden, possibly a nuisance, possibly someone who should have never existed in her life, or even Eren’s.  
  
  
  
  
_Possibly._  
  
  
  
  
He despised himself for still clinging onto the last bit of hope that nothing was a façade, that everything was real. That when she saved him from giving up on his life was genuine and not out of fear that Eren may have hated her if she hadn’t done so.  
  
  
  
He could confidently say that his and Eren’s friendship wasn’t fake. He clearly remembered the look he gave him at the thought of venturing what was outside the world, the salty oceans, deserts and other surreal places. There was enthusiasm and a fascination of some sort he had in his eyes. But Mikasa didn’t seem to have too much an interest on stuff like those, for all he knew she just wanted to be somewhere safe, away from the cruelness of the world—with Eren alongside her, only Eren.  
  
  
  
These thoughts went on and on for a few weeks, and soon months. And with each day of that question still being unanswered, there became a stir of his emotions. But he was too afraid of confronting the stoic raven about it.  
  
  
  
It didn’t take too long for the brunette to notice the blonde seemed a little off, he would question him if everything was alright. And all he could do was nod with a smile that lacked anything close to genuine. Despite the brunette’s persistence, Armin still refused to leak any of his thoughts out. Surely, Eren probably wouldn’t understand anyway.  
  
  
  
It wasn’t till then his thoughts had fogged up his way of thinking. During close combat training, he had let his thoughts consume him too much— he was unable to even avoid the first strike of his opponent and had gotten himself injured and sent to the nurse’s office.  
  
  
  
He didn’t care too much, he probably would’ve gotten beaten up anyway.  
  
  
  
As he awaited the nurse’s arrival with the bandages, he fiddled with his fingers nervously, drowning himself in his thoughts once more.  
  
  
  
The door creaked open, Armin glanced, and it was the person he had least expected to see.  
  
  
  
  
_Mikasa Ackerman._  
  
  
  
  
“W-What are you doing here?” Armin stuttered, shocked at the thought of such a skilled soldier to have been wounded—then again she was only human too.  
  
  
  
“The nurse has to rush off elsewhere since I had accidentally injured someone as well, and she asked me to help tend to the patient’s wounds.” Mikasa spoke simply, giving a shrug towards the end as she approached Armin. “Where are you hurt?” She questioned as Armin responded by pointing to some fresh and deep wounds on his arms.  
  
  
  
Giving a nod, Mikasa started to first disinfect them. He had hoped she’d be quick, seeing her when he still had those pondering questions was awfully painful.  
  
  
  
“Eren told me you haven’t been feeling well lately, is everything alright?” She asked.  
  
  
  
“Ah… yeah.”  
  
  
  
“That’s a lie.”  
  
  
  
Armin had internally cursed himself for not bothering to at least try to sound convincing, though either way he was sure that Mikasa would’ve caught him red handed with his lies, she was sharp after all.  
  
  
  
“Tell me.” She spoke as she started to bandage his wounds. “Tell me what’s wrong.”  
  
  
  
Her words more of a demand than a question.  
  
  
  
Armin was a little surprised she had seemed to care, but when the sudden thought of that she only showed concern because Eren had asked her to get something out of him, it had definitely hurt him. And then followed by the words associated with burden shot through his mind. He found it harder not to cry, especially with her in the room. Was he a burden? Was he—  
  
  
  
_“Am I a nuisance to you…?”_ Armin blurted out accidentally, before he used his free hand to cover his mouth.  
  
  
  
Not wanting to hear her words, he quickly snatched his other hand, attempting to leave before the raven grabbed hold of his unhurt arm.  
  
  
  
“What… do you mean by that?” She asked, Armin turned, and his eyes fixated with his almost too immediately. They… looked concerned.  
  
  
  
No, it was probably an illusion.  
  
  
  
“I-I…. just let me go it’s nothing—“  
  
  
  
“Was this what was worrying you… this entire time?” She continued, her tone laced with worry.  
  
  
  
Armin bit his lip, wishing she hadn’t been so sharp.  
  
  
  
“These past few weeks, you have been avoiding me, and any form of eye contact you’ve avoided as well.”  
  
  
  
  
_Silence._  
  
  
  
  
“Armin—“  
  
  
  
_“How can I NOT avoid you?!”_ He exclaimed, voice raised. Whether it be frustration or sadness it was uncertain.  
  
  
  
“You… don’t care about me do you?! It’s always Eren this, Eren that! Why don’t you just come clean… and say that I’m a burden to you. That I should just get out of your life and Eren’s… tell me that I’m not even your friend, I don’t...” Armin took a deep breath, he needed to recollect his thoughts, _she didn’t deserve to be yelled at._  
  
  
  
_“What am I to you, Mikasa?”_ Armin finally spoke, as he glanced at Mikasa before he looked away.  
  
  
  
She was… definitely caught off guard by that sudden outburst, and… for the first time, he saw hurt in her eyes, hurt that he caused. And he never felt so guilty in his life till now.  
  
  
  
“Armin… you _aren’t_ a friend to me.” Mikasa muttered softly, and Armin could’ve sworn he felt a stab to his chest at hearing that, and just as he was about to leave from her sight, she grabbed him again.  
  
  
  
_“You’re like family, Armin.”_ Mikasa said simply, her tone was genuine, sincere.  
  
  
  
“But… why? I didn’t save you, I didn’t ever helped you… I’m just a burden…” Armin continued with the self-criticisms. “Armin, what do you mean? You’ve saved me and Eren countless of times… like when we were kids, if you hadn’t told Hannes, Eren and I probably wouldn’t have lived—“  
  
  
  
“Yeah but…”  
  
  
  
“But?”  
  
  
  
“You don’t care about me, you never show any concern to me.” Armin retorted.  
  
  
  
His words were definitely like arrows to Mikasa, she looked much ore hurt after hearing that, and Armin didn’t know why, why he was even something to worry about.  
  
  
  
For all he knew, he sounded like a whiny cry-baby. A cry for attention that he had instantly regretted.  
  
  
  
“Armin… it’s not like I don’t care. Look, as compared to Eren… you make good decisions, you think twice before you act. Eren barely does, that’s why I’m more worried Armin.”  
  
  
  
“But—“  
  
  
  
“Armin. I trust you. I trust that you’ll never leave me or Eren because of all these good choices and decisions you always manage to strategize. I’ve never had a single doubt that you’d come back alive. Armin, you’re so precious to me. You already know… that I have a hard time expressing. But… But... there wasn’t once I never cared for you. Armin you’re like family… don’t say things like that...” Mikasa spoke, there were tears filling up in her eyes then.  
  
  
  
The atmosphere had seemed to darken. Mikasa felt so hurt, at the thought that Armin had assumed she thought of him as a burden. She was disappointed in herself that she had let this happen, assuming it was her fault due to the lack of expressions. She hated herself… _she should’ve known._  
  
  
  
“Mikasa don’t cry…” Armin pleaded softly, “I’m not worth crying for.”  
  
  
  
“Neither am I…” She responded, sobbing quietly.  
  
  
  
And that was when he realised he was crying himself, tears rolling down his cheek.  
  
  
  
It hurt, to see her hurt.  
  
  
  
It hurt, to know that he made her hurt.  
  
  
  
It hurt, it hurts.  
  
  
  
“Mikasa… I’m sorry. I just… people... their w-whispers…” Armin mumbled, trying to be articulate. “I-I’m sorry for overthinking… I really am a burden... I’m sorry—“

 

Before he could’ve completed his apology, Mikasa had pulled him into a close embrace, muffling his words.  
  
  
  
No words exchanged as the two sobbed their hearts out, pulling each other closer, seeking solace from the other.  
  
  
  
_There were no words needed, no words could’ve been expressed for the moment._  
  
  
  
After the two had calmed down, thy pulled away, wiping their tears off.  
  
  
  
Armin sighed, before letting out a soft chuckle, which Mikasa seemed confused by, and it didn’t take a second before he explained himself, “It just feels good… to let it out.” He smiled which Mikasa smiled back at.  
  
  
  
It was only now did he realize that her obsidian eyes, were filled with tenderness, concern… and other unexplainable things that she showed for the blonde in her beautiful eyes. It captivated him.  
  
  
  
He swore his heart had skipped a beat when he saw the smile that Mikasa wore after he two had calmed down.  
  
  
  
“Just remember… I’m here for you too, never feel alone.” Mikasa reminded the blonde gently, as her hand reached out, ruffling his hair.  
  
  
  
_The blonde found himself in tears again, different sort of tears._  
  
  
  
“Armin…?” Mikasa spoke, wondering if she had said something wrong.  
  
  
  
“Ah… it’s nothing. I’m just happy, so happy you’re here.” Armin stated firmly before he embraced Mikasa again, subconsciously.  
  
  
  
The feelings he felt were indescribable now, especially when he saw her beautiful smile. He didn’t know what this emotion was, neither did he seem to care too much about it.  
  
  
  
He was contented enough—to know that nothing ever was a façade, that she was real.  
  
  
  
  
_This_ was real.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, please leave a comment and Kudos! Hope you enjoyed it.


End file.
